Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Sign Off

My father left his estate, like his life in general and his relationships with everyone, in quite a bit of a mess. He doesn't have a signed Will, so the government has to become involved. We should see everything wrapping up in about 2018 or so.

My uncle had been vying to be the Executor of said Estate, a move I wasn't entirely comfortable with because for reasons unknown but just very recently learned, he is no fan of mine. (This obviously also means he is insane and lacks sound judgement and good taste, reasons numbers two, three, and four why he shouldn't be the Executor.) Because he lives out of province, the lawyers have decided he's not the best choice for the job, so I got the following email from my brother:

From: Jeff Vxxxxxx (
Sent: April 8, 2010 8:47:51 PM
To: Jelly Vxxxxxx (; Barbara Vxxxxxx (
1 attachment
image003.jpg (3.2 KB)

Hey Bunn and Poopie-pants*,

It turns out that I may end up executor of the estate. The lawyer is asking if either of you would have any objections to this? If not, would you mind signing a document to that effect?

Let me know.



Well this news pleased me, but still - I thought it maybe wasn't a good idea to just go signing off on things willy nilly, so I sent back a carefully thought out and well crafted response. Just to make sure, you know, we were on the same page and all that.

RE: Would you mind?‏
From: Jelly Vxxxxxx (
Sent: April 8, 2010 9:39:25 PM
To: Jeff Vxxxxxx (; Barbara Vxxxxxx (
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image003.jpg (3.2 KB)

You? The Executor? Of the Estate? YOU?!?? (Bunny, this e-mail from Jeff? Is he serious? He's going to Execute the Estate? For realz?)

Well, Jeff - before I agree to you being the Executor of Anything,...I have a few questions. I hope you won't mind answering them.

(A.) If you are the Executor, am I going to have to call you that? Like, when you call my house am I going to have to greet you as "Hello, Mister Executor!" before you will speak to me?

(B.) Are you planning on cutting me out - - no, no - - cutting everyone out and running away to Cuba with your bags of money?

(C.) If you say I don't have to call you "Mister Executor" are you going to turn around afterwards and make me call you something similar? Like "Zhine Exhecutoor" or "The Big Ex?"

(D.) Do you solemnly swear that you will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, the Executorship of My Dad's Estate, and will to the best of your ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States the Estate of My Dad and heretofor all said Things Having to Do With Said Estate forever and ever, Amen?

(E.) Can I have Dad's Big-Ass TV?

(F.) If there is some sort of course you should take in order to be the Best Executor You Can Be, will you attend said classes faithfully and do said homework diligently? (I don't know if there is such a class, but I'm going to ask Google after I e-mail this.)

(G.) Do I have to pay you to be The Executor?

(H.) Seriously,...that Big-Ass TV,'s not like he's going to be watching it. Bro, can you hook me up?

(I.) Are you planning on exploiting the Estate of Our Father (who art in Heaven?) in any manner - such as appearing on some trash-reality show like "Pimp My Estate," or "The Biggest Loser (in Estate Executionism)?" or writing a tell-all memoir?

Okay,...for now that's all the questions I can think of, but if you answer these questions in the right way, (that would be "No, no, no, yes, yes, yes, no, for SURE YES, no") then OKAY! YOU CAN BE THE EXECUTOR and I shall sign a document to that effect! Congratulations!

Love, Your Just Making Sure Sis

So, I still haven't signed the document. Did I leave anything out, or have I covered all the bases well? Comments are a-oh-diddly-kay.

*This is not a common nickname of mine, so if you see me walking down the street and shout out "Hey, Poopie-Pants!" don't be surprised if I fail to turn around. I think my brother just addresses the e-mails he writes to me with whatever happens to pop into his head. I surveyed five random e-mails from him and they were addressed to "doiyoi, Dinger Donger, J-Poo, Homie, and Hey Favourite Sister of Mine."** "Bunn" and "Bunny" refer to my mother who would most definitely turn around if you shouted that name at her on the street. In fact, I think that's what her street gang nicknamed her when they jumped her in.

**That last one is most assuredly true, but I am also his Only Sister of His. I assume in that e-mail he wanted something. Maybe he needed me to sign off on his being "Master of the Universe" or "Space Cowboy of the Galaxy."


아만다 said...

I'm sorry about your father. I've read all of your posts about the event and your school's cruelness regarding it.

Having said that, this email is hilarious.

John said...

Glad to see the old sense of humor has survived the recent tribulations you have experienced.

Well done!

kushibo said...

I'm sorry to hear about your father.

Tread lightly and be open in communication with your brother or whomever ends up as executor. My father was executor of my grandmother's estate and it led to some serious family schisms between he and his younger sister on the one hand, and the adult children of his deceased older sister on the hand. That was 1980-something, and to this day there is a huge rift between the two sides.