Kamikaze - my beloved cat,...my baby, died tonight. My boyfriend called me panicked because Kami was choking on something and he wasn't moving. I think by the time he called me, Kami might have already died. I don't know. I'll never know if I could have saved him because I would have known enough to Heimlich him or stick my fingers down his throat.

I won't know now because he's dead. He was dead by the time I rushed home 5 minutes later. Now he's wrapped in a blanket and lying in his carrot Someone is going to find a lovely spot in the mountains and bury him when the sun rises. I can't imagine I'm going to go along, but I might because I don't trust anyone to do a proper job.

I'm only able to type because my friend Herb in Japan picked up the phone and talked me off a ledge. I'd been crying and hyperventilating for a couple hours. I just don't know what the hell is happening to my life. Why is it unravelling? What the fuck?

Chances are I'm going to raise my little white flag and just go the hell home already. After Kami died the first person I called was my brother, forgetting where he was. They're burying my father in a few hours. The ground was too frozen when he died. My brother cried with me and urged me to just get on a plane already. I might be able to do that providing I can get my severance pay. I think it's possible.

Meanwhile, I am terribly sad. I feel broken. Kami was my constant companion and I loved him more than anything else in Korea. Everything in my apartment is a reminder of him. I can't sort words out to explain how low-down rotten I feel.