Saturday, May 01, 2010

Kamikaze - my beloved cat,...my baby, died tonight. My boyfriend called me panicked because Kami was choking on something and he wasn't moving. I think by the time he called me, Kami might have already died. I don't know. I'll never know if I could have saved him because I would have known enough to Heimlich him or stick my fingers down his throat.

I won't know now because he's dead. He was dead by the time I rushed home 5 minutes later. Now he's wrapped in a blanket and lying in his carrot Someone is going to find a lovely spot in the mountains and bury him when the sun rises. I can't imagine I'm going to go along, but I might because I don't trust anyone to do a proper job.

I'm only able to type because my friend Herb in Japan picked up the phone and talked me off a ledge. I'd been crying and hyperventilating for a couple hours. I just don't know what the hell is happening to my life. Why is it unravelling? What the fuck?

Chances are I'm going to raise my little white flag and just go the hell home already. After Kami died the first person I called was my brother, forgetting where he was. They're burying my father in a few hours. The ground was too frozen when he died. My brother cried with me and urged me to just get on a plane already. I might be able to do that providing I can get my severance pay. I think it's possible.

Meanwhile, I am terribly sad. I feel broken. Kami was my constant companion and I loved him more than anything else in Korea. Everything in my apartment is a reminder of him. I can't sort words out to explain how low-down rotten I feel.

11 comments:

Nomad said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Jenn.

Kevin Kim said...

I'm so sorry, J. I know how much Kami has meant to you, and feel awful after reading that this happened-- one loss right after another one. Unbelievable.

For what it's worth, I think it'd be right for you to go along for Kami's burial. That's his mountain now, and you'll want to get to know it.

John said...

Jenn, I'm so sorry to hear this. I know that Kamikaze was such a big part of your life.

Please stay strong and know that you will get through this. It has been an incredible run of bad and worse luck lately I know. But you have to believe that this is the now the bottom.

Come see us if you need to get away (or on your way to the airport).

JR said...

Jelly, I am so sorry for your loss. Praying hard for you.

Gwen said...

Oh, no. I'm so sorry. Reading about your giant kitty was what made me a follower of your blog. It would be horrible to lose him in any circumstance, but I hate that it happened like this. My heart goes out to you :-(

Diana E.S. said...

Oh, Jenn. This has NOT been a good year for you.

*many, many hugs*

Jennifer said...

Jenn, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's been such a rough year for you already. I hope that you can get things sorted out with your school so that you can go home and have some support there. You're in my prayers!

Kelly said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, Jelly.

KirkK said...

Oh no..... I'm so very sorry for your loss Jenn.

The Bobster said...

I know you will get through this, eventually. It's a lot of pain, and it probably seems meaningless. When I went through something similar, I know the impulse I had was to stop loving, stop trusting. That's the real challenge right now.

You have friends who will help you. That's the good news.

Kitikata-san said...

Oh! I am so sorry about Kami passing away. Oh, I am so sad too! Many big purrs to you. I loved checking in on Kami on the blog from time to time. I will miss him from afar.