Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Here's something more about Shawn Matthews. I wasn't talking to him before he died. I don't know how he felt. I know he was drinking, and I think he was probably doing that trying to avoid something.
That doesn't work.
But we can all agree something was wrong, eh?

Whether he was up atop his roof trying to clear his head, or heading to jump off, we won't know. Bless him, though. So many of us read his blog. So many of us identified with him. I miss him. Even his closest friends can only speculate what was really going on in his head though.
He probably never said.

I'll tell you what's in mine, though. And
Kevin, bless him isn't going to link me for being funny. I've been crying for 4 and a half hours. I'm crying because I'm really terribly sad. I haven't said a hell of a lot about my relationship except to bitch just a couple of times. And then again hallelujah it in my own quiet way.
But I got blindsided tonight.
It was better that he leave tonight, instead of watching me cry.
All night.
And so he did,... and I did.

Now I'm completely considering leaving.
Now I'm totally wondering how I can teach tomorrow being this closeto tears. You know, if you've read here, that I'm a trooper - going in with food poisoining and 2 hours sleep, or a face like I sported last week. But raw, and broken-hearted? Can I?

I've set up my friends and family back home for a whole new opportunity to fail me too. (So far, one questions C.'s motives, and my mother tells me to "get over it.")
After all, I had already had 3 hours to get used to it. I hung up on both of them.

I had wanted to return to Canada happy and secure. Happy. Joyous. I would have if I had gone yesterday. But I didn't.

So what was Shawn thinking? Did he share? Did someone hear him if he shared?
Hear me. I'm telling you - I'm so goddamned sad.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey, sorry I couldn't chat earlier -- I would have made time had I known.

IM me whenever, and I will force your life back into perspective.

Be well...
~Jef

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry!! You have every right and reason to feel miserable. I wish I was there to listen and give support. Hang in there. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

Everyone says it takes time, they are right, but it probably does not feel that way right now. I've been where you are at right now, the burning question is why it happened, but only in time can you really know and maybe not even then. What I do know is that there are many many beautiful moments ahead of you that you will not wish to miss, Kamakazi is plotting something spectacular to cheer you up, bet on it and hang in there.
Work is probably the best thing you can do, imerse yourself in it, feed on it and allow yourself some distance for interspection. best of luck.

Maven said...

I'm struggling to find the right words to bring you peace, and to stop the tears.

Let the tears flow, though. They'll clean you out, for the next phase of your life...

The tears are a sign of how much you care, and your capacity for love.

If possible, keep blogging your thoughts, it might help.

Sending you a hug across the miles...

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain. I have followed your journal for the last several months. I think you’ll find someone, if you keep your eyes wide open, as you’re a woman with good sense of humour, charm and strength. Now you can go back to Canada for 6 weeks or more, not 2 weeks, and have some time to think about what to do next. You can come back to Korea easily, if you want to, as the demand for the foreign English teachers in Korea far outweighs the supply. I just wish you for the best.