Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Fire and Eyes and Flying and Dying

My back is on its way to wellness. Today is the 1st day in just over three weeks that I can walk relatively normally. That is to say that I've got some shake with my fries. Before, I was walking around like one of those Irish dancers who are all board-stiff from the pelvis up. On my way to work I'd have to keep stopping and willing my muscles to relax. By the time I'd arrive at school I was spent. So today felt better! I did go to the doctors for another couple ass-injections and three days worth of 18 pills a day, just to be on the safe side. You know, when the nurse sticks the needle in my buttock and when she pulls it out she spanks me pretty hard. I think it's meant to either disguise or diffuse the jab. Either that or she figures I'm naughty.

Downstairs at the pharmacist's, I asked if he had some pads that heat up. I was thinking of something along the lines of those beanbaggy things you can stick in your mittens in the winter. He pulled out these:
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"They get warm?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied. "Can you endure?"
"Heh? Sure!" I laughed.

I didn't really look at the package before I got back to school. When I did, I wondered what the hell is a "Hot Pap?" There's some kind of gynecological joke I'm not going to make. Anyhow, you peel back the cover on this large piece of gauze, and then peel back the cover on another pad - which smelled very medicinal - and stick them together, and then smooth the whole thing onto your skin. I had Jane help me out in the Teacher's Room.

Well,...holy molten balls of fiery lava, Batman! I think the medicine is some chemical compound of liquid fire, and the outer gauze pad is meant to protect those around you from spontaneously combusting. I peeled the thing off about four hours ago, and my back is still smouldering. Oh, as an added bonus, the thing rips about ten layers of skin off you when you try to disengage it. Awesome!

This Eyeglass store is trying out a new marketing campaign. "Visit us once, and you'll never need a new pair of glasses again!"
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You go in, sit down, and the technician wheels up this device that simultaneously gouges out both of your eyes. Then they direct you down the street to the "White Cane Shop."

One more thing. I'm always looking to get bumped up to business class when I'm flying. So far I haven't had any luck, but I now know I've been going about it all wrong. Alls I have to do is die, and they'll move me up to the front of the plane! A man in business class on a British Airways flight from Delhi to London woke up to find himself sitting near a corpse. An elderly woman had died shortly after takeoff, and the crew moved her and her daughter up from coach. The poor daughter spent the rest of the nine hour flight grieving beside her deceased mom, who, "because of turbulence,...kept slipping down on to the floor."
Good grief!


John McCrarey said...

Glad to see you are getting your mojo back, Jenn. (BTW, I have no clue what mojo actually is, but it must be something really cool, right?)

Maven said...

Dunno about those pads, but Tiger Balm even makes their own pads that stick on, and they are wonderful:)

Regarding your hot paps! Um? Let's look on the bright side... it's a secondary depillatory:)