I want to tell you everything's rosey, but it's not.
I went to work today and managed to pretty much hold my shit together. I kept a roll of tissue nearby and discreetly dabbed at my eyes when needed.
Truly, my circle's complete. I look ugly and I feel ugly. The large numb mass on my head has turned green (?!) and the blood in my eyes makes it easier to disguise tears.
I went back to the docor today and he pushed on the huge green lump on my head. It doesn't bother me so much. Actually, it's numb. But I've had a headache for a week and a half and I told him I couldn't sleep well the last few days. He prescribed the regiment of 6 and a half pills I've been taking for 1 and a half weeks now, but included a big fat blue pill. I don't know what it's supposed to do. I asked my boss, later, to call him back and make sure I didn't require an x-ray. He said no. His dolphin-sonar is adequate.
Today at work, no one said much of anything. Judy- who married her fella (check the archives: Going to the Chapel) and has been advocating me marrying C., asked if I was ok when I came in. I smiled and replied "no."
I worked my classes, and think they didn't key in to anything being wrong. Truth is, every tiny kindness made me emotional: a "thank you" for the borrowing of a pencil, a "you're welcome" for my "thank you," (these children would never even think to respond like that if I hadn't taught them, and now they're so proud to do so-, I love it.) The "are you ok's?" (because I missed work yesterday) cut me in half.
Really, I do like all my students. They're just kids. In social settings, like my classrooms, though, some can be such shits. I called my boss, or the K-teacher in on a couple of my classes. I was losing my patience. But I didn't want them to bear the brunt of why I'm feeling so screwed up. My wires are crossed. Kids are pretty smart, and they seemed to key in to the fact I was at the end of my tether. They snapped up. I was greatful.
Granted, I wasn't so gentle with a group of five taekwondo students who met me, first thing today, on the stairs. One made a comment I understood, and I told him to "fuck off." Then I asked him and his cronies if they understood me (in Korean) and told him a few other things about his shitty attitude. But, I got deep bows and apologies.
People who've commented, people who check in, people who feel me - I appreciate it. Honto yo jinja. I'm in a unique situation, perhaps, in that I don't have a lot of (atually- almost none, or NONE, if we're counting) friends here. Weathering this on my own is rough. I'm freaking out my friends and family back home because I call them and end up bawling. And I'm not like that. And they don't know what to do or say. It freaks my peeps out.
It freaks me out.
Yesterday I got invited to a conversation between a few people online. I didn't say anything, really, but reading them go on about this and that made me want to scrub my eyeballs with a toothbrush. The things they said, though,..
Truly, I can't understand that shit. What they said, though- it's going to haunt me.
My friend in Japan sent me a message tonight, saying she ws just going to bed, but was thinking of me. Am I ok?
I responded that I'm not great, and really- not even close to good.
This is a hard time.