Friday, July 07, 2006

Here's Today

I want to tell you everything's rosey, but it's not.
I went to work today and managed to pretty much hold my shit together. I kept a roll of tissue nearby and discreetly dabbed at my eyes when needed.

Truly, my circle's complete. I look ugly and I feel ugly. The large numb mass on my head has turned green (?!) and the blood in my eyes makes it easier to disguise tears.

I went back to the docor today and he pushed on the huge green lump on my head. It doesn't bother me so much. Actually, it's numb. But I've had a headache for a week and a half and I told him I couldn't sleep well the last few days. He prescribed the regiment of 6 and a half pills I've been taking for 1 and a half weeks now, but included a big fat blue pill. I don't know what it's supposed to do. I asked my boss, later, to call him back and make sure I didn't require an x-ray. He said no. His dolphin-sonar is adequate.

Today at work, no one said much of anything. Judy- who married her fella (check the archives: Going to the Chapel) and has been advocating me marrying C., asked if I was ok when I came in. I smiled and replied "no."

I worked my classes, and think they didn't key in to anything being wrong. Truth is, every tiny kindness made me emotional: a "thank you" for the borrowing of a pencil, a "you're welcome" for my "thank you," (these children would never even think to respond like that if I hadn't taught them, and now they're so proud to do so-, I love it.) The "are you ok's?" (because I missed work yesterday) cut me in half.

Really, I do like all my students. They're just kids. In social settings, like my classrooms, though, some can be such shits. I called my boss, or the K-teacher in on a couple of my classes. I was losing my patience. But I didn't want them to bear the brunt of why I'm feeling so screwed up. My wires are crossed. Kids are pretty smart, and they seemed to key in to the fact I was at the end of my tether. They snapped up. I was greatful.

Granted, I wasn't so gentle with a group of five taekwondo students who met me, first thing today, on the stairs. One made a comment I understood, and I told him to "fuck off." Then I asked him and his cronies if they understood me (in Korean) and told him a few other things about his shitty attitude. But, I got deep bows and apologies.

People who've commented, people who check in, people who feel me - I appreciate it. Honto yo jinja. I'm in a unique situation, perhaps, in that I don't have a lot of (atually- almost none, or NONE, if we're counting) friends here. Weathering this on my own is rough. I'm freaking out my friends and family back home because I call them and end up bawling. And I'm not like that. And they don't know what to do or say. It freaks my peeps out.

It freaks me out.

Yesterday I got invited to a conversation between a few people online. I didn't say anything, really, but reading them go on about this and that made me want to scrub my eyeballs with a toothbrush. The things they said, though,..
Truly, I can't understand that shit. What they said, though- it's going to haunt me.

My friend in Japan sent me a message tonight, saying she ws just going to bed, but was thinking of me. Am I ok?

I responded that I'm not great, and really- not even close to good.
This is a hard time.


kangmi said...

Hang in there, because it's going to get better. (Wisdom and profundity escape me, but truthfully there is hope.)

John McCrarey said...

Friends come in all shapes and sizes, including pixels. Just sayin' I expect you have many more friends here in Korea than you imagine.

Granted we don't have much of a shoulder to cry on, but we can always lend an understanding ear.

Here's a hug for you from Virginia...

8121949 said...

Hi Jelly, My son is in Seoul as an ESL; I have been reading your blog and identify with you because of your love of cats. As bit as Kamakaze is, my Cloud just passed on at 16 weighing only 1.14 kilo! I am sorry you are sad; all I can say is "this too shall pass"; I feel your broken heart, but some day, some time, you will meet someone that deserves you. Christine

8121949 said...

Just re-read my comment; of course, make that "big".

Anonymous said...

I've never met you, but my heart goes out to you. I'm heading out to Masan, S. Korea in less than two months and from your blog I've gained an amazing insight into the daily life of an ESL teacher. As an ancillary benefit I've gained insight into your life and recently to your struggles.
My thoughts are with you and all I can say is that all things end. This too will come to pass. Just right now, in this moment, when the pain and frustration are so real, does an end seem impossible and far off.
Keep writing and I'll keep reading.