Yup. Merry Christmas to all you folks that aren't bogged down by loneliness and melancholy. Merry Christmas to those of you that are!
Christmas was always far and away my favourite holiday. Even the glare and threat of "wait til we get home" from my dad for whatever transgression I'd committed when I was a kid wasn't enough, really, to dampen my spirit. Even playing along with my brother as we got older, who had developed a deep hatred for the holiday, didn't deaden my enthusiasm for what Christmas was supposed to mean. (Yah, Jeff, I wasn't being completely honest when I wished you a Scary Shitmas. We both know that if we were to fully embrace "Festivus" as our family's traditional holiday; it would take half a year to get through the "airing of the grievances" and another half proving our "feats of strength.") Christmas good! Family bad. Somewhere along the way, the wires got crossed perhaps.
Well here I am in my fourth Christmas overseas. It's should be called "Not-Christmas" over here, really. Like the term my dentist used regarding my silver fillings, I am experiencing "micro leakage." Maybe even "macro leakage." My Christmas spirit has all but died, and the sad thing is I'm not sure what to do to get it back.
I'm losing hope. For anything and everything. And I find this terribly alarming. It seems like I'm grasping at threads of my blanket of optimism that is unweaving itself at an alarming pace. What the hell, world? What the hell, life? What the hell, happiness? Where did you go? You were real, at some points. At varying points. Why do I seem to go from numb to despondent these days? It's even worse when I think about how I used to feel about the holidays, compared with how I dread them now. What's the secret to unknotting history so I don't have to keep re-living these uncomfortable and unpleasant experiences? I'm Bill Murray these days. Screw Christmas, it's Groundhog Day.
Oh blah blah blah. "Talk Talk" wasn't wrong when they sang "Baby, life's what you make it. (Celebrate it.)"
I use humour as a shield to convince us both that everything's alright. And it could be, but it's not. It's tragic, but yet still largely laughable. For me, that might be life's saving grace, because I don't feel very tied to anything else at this point.
I do wish you a Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays. Peace. More than that I wish you a Happy New Year. A good one. I think my year in review would be featured on some Bloopers TV Show. I hope the next year brings better fortune and more contentment, for all of us. But mostly for me. Because I'm selfish like that. Oh, sheeshhhh - alright. Goodness and love and serenity (NOW!) for everyone. It's on me.
[Journal - 2.11]In the lair of the hominid
9 hours ago