Wednesday, April 19, 2006

As Tears Go By

The week started off good. Monday sailed by, and Monday night was dinner and a movie at my place with C. We watched King Kong, and I thought it was really good. I also realize that I am a total baby, and I let tears roll down my neck and tried not to sniffle so as not to draw attention to the fact that King Kong sliding around on a skating rink with Christmas trees whirling around him was making me bawl.
There was no real hiding it, though, and afterwards C. speculated that the reason he wasn't affected in the slightest was because us Westerners love animals a lot more than Koreans do. Perhaps? I speculate that it's just because I'm a wimp.

Today, Elizabeth started again a conversation we'd had on Sunday on the phone with asking me, "So if I am not happy teaching, do you think I should quit?"
"No," I said, "I think you should embrace that which makes you unhappy and do it over and over and over again." Then I started slamming my face into my desk. I don't like slamming my face into my desk, it hurts, and makes me bleed - but c'est la vie, this is what must be done.

"Dude," (I really said to Elizabeth) "I think that you should try to be happy." It's what I've been saying over and over to her (and I'm not very fond of repeating things, but c'est la vie - we must do what needs to be done.) I wonder if she's hoping that I will change my mind and insist otherwise. I'm not gonna.

Speaking with a friend of mine back home over the weekend worried me too. It was a conversation which kind of discussed whether the glass is half empty or half full. Not only is his glass half empty, but it's half empty filled with piss. I don't know where his cynicism comes from, and it frustrates me that I can't come close to convincing him otherwise. He kept saying things like, "People are selfish, it's a FACT." "Everyone has an ulterior motive, it's a FACT!"
I mean, how can I argue in the face of cold hard factitudes?

In the words of legendary super-group extraordinnaire 'Talk Talk:' "Baby, life's what you make it....celebrate it (everything's all right.)"
My glass is filled with honey. It's filled with sunshine. It's half-full of hallelujah.

Yes. It can seem like life sucks. There are a bazillion reasons to settle into a long deep funk over the state of the world. That's the way it was since forever, and I'm no psychic, but I imagine things will still be fairly messed up at the end of the week.
Despite that, though, dance.
And then slam your face into your desk for an hour.

On the weekend, I mentioned to Elizabeth that I figure the very best teachers (or anything-ers, for that matter) are the ones who have passion. She said she doesn't have passion for anything. I suggested maybe she has passion for the Church, and she wouldn't even admit that, saying that after praying she feels a little better. Just a little. Today she asked me if I had passion. I raised my eyebrows and smiled and said, "Yes!"
She screwed up her face.
"What?" I asked. "You don't think so?"
"No," she replied, "I don't think so."
"Liz, don't insult me."
And then she was in tears.

"Hey," I said quietly, "I'm not angry."
She told me that wasn't why she was crying, so I asked her why she was?
"I'm so UNHAPPY!"

My friend in Toronto is unhappy. For him, the world is full of untrustworthy assholes. For Elizabeth, it seems like the world is full of reason for despair and hopelessness. C. even tells me it's rare to find a good person in this world.

It makes me want to cry.
Eeeenstead, VEE DANCE!!

As for the rest of it, I'm not going to concede. Arguing about whether life is indeed beautiful just seems as fruitful as arguing whether an apple is more delicious than an orange.
Een zee meantime, VEE SING!!

And King Kong, well, they kind of had to destroy him. He couldn't live a top the Empire State Building forever. I'm going to have to watch that movie again.
Und so, VEE SMILE?


captain_howdy_girl said...

I want to hug you today :~(

Jelly said...

I want to hug you every day!!!

Anonymous said...

It's perhaps not that she doesn't have passion for anything, but that she doesn't know what she has passion for, as she hadn't paid her attention to her inner voice.