It's a lonely business, this life.
And then there's Maude. Lin.
Believe me, I'm well aware of the myriad of choices one has day to day and moment to moment and by and large one has to take responsibility for the choices that lead them up to where they are right here. Right now. So, I'm down with that. I own all this.
Most days, it's not bad. Many days I choose to carry on and deal with what's right in front of my face. The work. The sleeping. The eating. The washing, laundry, cleaning, dressing, shopping, writing, reading, walking, going, coming, seeing, watching, greeting. The breathing. The living. And just when you get one done, there's another requiring attention. It doesn't end.
Until it ends.
But that's not what I'm talking about.
Some days, like today, it feels like my head is going to pop right off my shoulders. It not just a figurative deal. I rocked a headache so hard and pervasive today it felt like a Very Big Thing with a Very Big Hand had grabbed ahold of the back of my neck. The pressure spread up through the back of my cranium and up around so it felt like my eyes were bulging. All my muscles hurt. I had to keep reminding myself to keep my teeth off each other. They kept clenching, which worked into a frothy vicious circle with the headache thing.
But it's not just today. Lately I've been battling this tendency of apatheticism like I've never known. And yes, I know apatheticism isn't even a word, but I don't even care enough to find a real word.
Some days it feels like everything is futile. I get dressed. I go through the motions, and for what? To what end? It's no wonder my fantastic future isn't manifesting itself because there's no design for an outcome. I've never had any specific vision as to what I'll become. Friends of mine are settled by now, with families and careers, and I remain rootless - and for all intense purposes, lost.
It's true that no matter where you run, you can't escape yourself.
The relationships I've had over the last three years have all been fleeting and have ended badly, and I fear it might be just to demonstrate that at the core of me I'm unable to attract anything good. At low tide I do feel as though I might be broken and beyond repair.
Some days I want to have a closing-out sale. All pretense of caring must go. Matters of the heart are marked for clearance. We're going out of business, my heart and I - except for the beating. We're building a fortress around my heart. Shop while there's still time.